Does familiarity breed contempt? Does it make relationships, work, and life overall, boring?
Before we answer that, think about the last time you noticed a new scene in a movie while watching it again? Or a lick in a song that added to its character when you heard the song for the fourth time? You’ve probably experienced this with people and places too.
When you pay attention, you discover new aspects in what you are familiar with. Intimacy helps you go deeper—in the thing and in yourself. The artist Gretel Elrich said in the book Talking on the Water:
“When you walk out the door [of a place where you’ve lived for a long time], you already know so much because of what the place has already taught you. And the scene gets deeper each day. . .”
It’s when you stop paying attention, when your actions turn monotonous, that boredom sets in. The work, the person, the place gets taken for granted. Your search for novelty makes you resent what is in front of you.
When you take a walk, you would rather be thinking, listening to music, or watching a movie. (What is it with staring at the screen while walking these days for God’s sake!) When your child wants to show you her drawing, you would rather be answering emails that have come outside work hours. When you go on a vacation, the thought on top of your mind is, “What kind of shots would make good Instagram reels?”
Is it any surprise that the activity becomes boring?
But when you cut out distractions while walking, you might notice the leaves turning yellow. When you put your phone away, you might notice that your child actually draws well and that her eyes light up when you praise her. And when you see a destination through your eyes—not through a camera lens—you could learn about its unique culture, and how each place has its own essence.
Familiarity Makes Life Better
Such depth creates unexpected connections across different areas of your life. For instance, during her years in Wyoming, Elrich’s deep connection with the landscape taught her something profound about human experience itself. As she elaborated in her conversation with the boat captain:
“[I]t doesn’t matter, at the bottom, what you do. If you go deeply enough into any one process, you’ll understand something about all the processes around you. . . I can use the connection I have with Wyoming, for instance, to understand your relationship with this boat and the waters of the Northwest coast, although I may never know that particular intimacy. I may not choose to know it, but I understand the process.”
This insight reveals how paying deep attention to one aspect of life can illuminate others. When we truly understand one thing, we notice its patterns reflect in other places.
For instance, building a deep bond with your child helps you understand an entrepreneur’s bond with her startup or a traveler’s bond with his motorcycle.
Begin with one simple practice: Each day, spend five minutes giving your complete attention to something familiar—your morning coffee, your commute route, or a loved one’s voice. Notice what new details emerge.
It’s a myth that familiarity breeds contempt. In reality, it adds depth when you pay attention but leads to boredom when you take things for granted. What will you choose?