“We deny that the individual life is as sacred as national life; the smaller cannot be so sacred as the greater, self cannot be so sacred as others, and to say that it sacred quite for its own purposes is to deify selfishness. Our lives are useful only in proportion as they help others by example or action or tend to fulfill God in man.”
— Sri Aurobindo
It’s easy to burn bridges. To present logical justifications for selfish behavior. Or to get so comfortable with misery that we abandon all things good just so we can stay in a dark place.
The thing is, such self-destructive behavior doesn’t make us happy. On the contrary, it keeps us oscillating between pity and hatred for ourselves (and others).
The unexpected antidote to such torture is competence—the ability to achieve the results you desire—especially in things that benefit others. (Research shows that being other-oriented without being a doormat is the key to happiness.)
Here’s why. The more competent you feel, the more control you can exercise over your routine and actions. Plus, other people will be glad you’re around because you will be useful to them. This, in turn, will make you happier to be around them.
How to start seeking this feeling of competence? Simple: look back at the positive events in your life. Moments when you solved a tough problem, when someone thanked you for your help, or when you behaved surprising well in a situation.
This might feel tough in the beginning, but keep at it. Each memory will add to the “I’m good enough” repository. This will give you confidence to work, to connect with friendly people, and become a part of the whole.